Before I lose Focus... AGAIN.

So, I figured something out about myself this weekend. Shocker right? When will I know everything and never make mistakes again? When people?! :] 

I cannot stay focused.

I'm not talking about ADD or ADHD [Are those the same?]. I'm talking about real focus. I know I wrote about this before, but here I am wrestling with the same thing again, self-centeredness. [Is that a word?]

My family had a family verse growing up [Pastor's kids] it was something like, "Do not be focused on your own interests, but be focused on the interests of others." I remember once this summer I tried to quote it and totally messed it up I said something like, "Only look upon your own interest not the interest of others." ....and I WISH that's what the verse said!! You would think after 22 years of one family verse, I would remember it. [I guess that's a parenting lesson in itself.]

The type of focus I am talking about has really nothing to do with that verse, but it's a good thought. :] [Insert fun family memory there.   Check.]

How often do I live a day thinking about myself? What I can accomplish, what mistakes I made, what messes I need to clean up, what relationships I need to fix, what meetings I need to attend, what wrongs I have done... and so on.

Lately I have found myself overcome by fear and worry. Why? Well, I think part of it is the phase of life I'm in, alot of things are changing. And  because I am focusing so much on ME.

But, why am I focusing on myself? Why am I depending upon myself? Why am I staring at my failures and faults? Why am I living as though God has made a mistake in planning my life? Do I really need to take ahold of my life and worry and plan and fix things because God isn't taking care of things?

I have lost focus. When I focus on ME, everything seems really scary. When I focus on my strength, everything seems impossible. When I allow my sin to slap me in the face, It begins to reign.

But, when I focus on Him. God's love, mercy, justice, grace and perfection, everything seems to be okay. Why do I worry? Why am I fearful? Because I am thinking about ME. [UGH. So self-centered.]

 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ...... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [[Matthew 6]]

And for the days you can't stop worrying: 

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober casting all your spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.  [1 Peter 5]

And: "Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." [Colossians 3]

Off I go to open my planner and get my day moving. Here's for trying to stay focused and trying to be a little less self oriented. Happy Monday... and stop worrying! [In case you didn't catch it the first time... it doesn't add a single hour to your life! annnnnd you're not in control anyway :] ] 

Discombobulated.

This week has been a strange one. Nothing really crazy out of the ordinary has happened, but it has seemed a little discombobulated. Do you ever feel like you are sitting still while everyone and everything is flying around you? Almost like you are in the eye of a hurricane, just sitting still while life whirls around ... I've felt like that this week. It has seemed like everyone is going and learning and changing and making decisions and having things happen. And I'm just watching.

If I could give my 'college years' underlining themes they would be: 

1. Even in your biggest life crisis... life will continue on, whether you want it too or not.
2. My plans are not the best and sometimes having no plans is best.

 The first three years of college, I was a go, go, girl! ( I still am to an extent) But, this semester has been SO different than any year of my life here. I work a 9-5ish job and have weeknights off. I am only taking 12 credits and next semester only 6! Now, for those of you who don't know, last year I worked full time at basically nights shift (7pm-2am) and took 22 credits, while being involved in extra things. So, this semester has sort of turned my life upside down. I love being busy, I love working; I love being dedicated to something. But, something that really sticks out in my mind when I look back to my busyness and accomplishments, something that I can't get over...back when I 'felt good' because I was doing so much, I had such a lack of focus on my spiritual aspect and my relationship with Jesus Christ.

For the years in my life when I thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was accomplishing goals, I was good at something, I could pass my classes with barely studying, I received a promotion at work, I had a boyfriend, I bought a car, I moved into my first apartment... I thought I was just living the life.

I cannot get over my self-focus through all those years. 

So, back to my themes.... 

I'm only 22. What sort of crisis can a 22-year-old girl be in, right? Well, I would argue a pretty big one. Through my two short years in the '20's' I've seen myself grow the most, lose the most, immature the most, become the most defeated, mature the most, and have the most victories. I can so happily say now, I am blessed enough, to overcome a more recent trial in my life. But, I think I am all too quick to forget the growth and learning that comes with brokenness. In my crisis I thought life would stop, I was certain my life would and time felt as if it stood still... but now, here I am, months and months later, moving forward, moving on. 

I can only attest to where I am now through the grace of my Lord. As time moved on, so did I. And as time moved on, God grasped hold of my heart... He had my full attention. Wherever you are in life, remember life goes on, life will keep moving, we can't stop it! God hasn't and won't give up on you. I hope that comforts you and inspires you to get a move as well. 

Next, my plans are not the best plans. They are not. Really, they are not! Since July I have been trying to plan for what will happen in May. [You can laugh at that, I know it is ridiculous] But, you know what, I have recently become okay with not knowing. Today I applied for Grad School at Liberty and I'm prayerfully considering many other options over the next few months. But, bottom line- I do not know what is going to happen, I have no idea, so what good is worrying about it?! Seriously, what good is that? It's not. I'm doing my utmost best, to wake up, and actively give God my day, because I know that is all I have. Why do I worry about my next rent bill? Or if my car breaks down? Or when I will get married? I've found enjoy every day, every moment, serve the Lord and he will bring you the next 'thing.' I did a good job of this last week, but this week I have been slowly taking each day back.. I recently became overwhelmed with decisions and choices and the next thing, I realized these thoughts are not for me to worry about. Serving Christ in the moment he has given us, in the situation where he put us in, matters. Someone said, I don't remember who, but, if we are faithful to God in the little things, he can trust us with the bigger things. So, while I am craving something new, something different, a new chapter, a job with more esteem, I need to remain faithful now to build habits for faithfulness later. And not having a plan causes me have faith God will provide the next thing. 

I've been saying the past couple of weeks, I feel like I am actually becoming a woman! :] I’ve started cooking more, cleaning more, and enjoying baking! But, with growth comes growing pains, and dealing with my immaturity and habitually sin filled lifestyle hurts. But understanding value in brokenness, I think is a sign of a woman. 

And I've noticed, I cry alot more. So, Fergie, you are so not right.. Big girls do cry. 

I hope some of this rambling encourages other twenty-something women out there, you don't have to have it all together, you don't have to have a plan, remain faithful now, serve the Lord now, and the next thing will fall into place. 

P.S. -- I recommend this book for all twenty something women...  'The Mature Woman.'  

Happy Almost Friday!