Trust, Forgiveness, Hope, Enjoyment.

Hi there and happy Wednesday! This morning has been so beautiful, full of sunshine and 60 degree weather, my favorite! I hope your morning has been just as lovely!

As I was journaling [Yes, I call it a journal because I feel like I am too old to say that I keep a diary] I had a thought and I think it may encourage someone else, so I am going to share. And if it doesn't encourage anyone else, maybe I will come across this post again and I will encourage me!

I know a theme within my blog has been enjoy. Enjoy life. Enjoy every aspect to every day. Enjoy the hard times and the really fun times. Lately, I have found it difficult to enjoy because I have been distracted. Sometimes, for me, it is difficult to understand that the Lord has truly forgiven me for every sin I have ever and will ever commit. After I repent, He forgives and moves forward. As wonderful as this characteristic of God is, I find it hard to recognize and live in a way that He has truly forgiven me.

As my last days at Liberty are rapidly approaching, I can say the biggest lesson I learned in college is, I can trust in my God and He will provide. He will always come through. He will always supply for my every, emotional, spiritual, physical needs. [It's pretty remarkable]

If I know the Lord will provide for my every emotional, spiritual, physical need- why do I doubt His forgiveness? I am not doing anything profitable by hanging on to guilt and living in fear. I am limiting myself and hindering my full enjoyment of life. I need to trust in God’s forgiveness and that means forgiving myself and moving forward. Trusting in His forgiveness is the best way to enjoy life. I need to trust that His model of forgiveness is the best possible way to live each moment.

 
Anyway, I am not even sure if this will make sense to anyone else, but it’s a thought I needed to find. Be encouraged that you are or can be free from your sins. You can live in the hope of the gospel and this will bring you true joy. Understanding that I deserve nothing and through Christ I have gained everything - that’s what gives me enjoyment, love and forgiveness to share from moment to moment.  - Happy Wednesday! :] 

Before I lose Focus... AGAIN.

So, I figured something out about myself this weekend. Shocker right? When will I know everything and never make mistakes again? When people?! :] 

I cannot stay focused.

I'm not talking about ADD or ADHD [Are those the same?]. I'm talking about real focus. I know I wrote about this before, but here I am wrestling with the same thing again, self-centeredness. [Is that a word?]

My family had a family verse growing up [Pastor's kids] it was something like, "Do not be focused on your own interests, but be focused on the interests of others." I remember once this summer I tried to quote it and totally messed it up I said something like, "Only look upon your own interest not the interest of others." ....and I WISH that's what the verse said!! You would think after 22 years of one family verse, I would remember it. [I guess that's a parenting lesson in itself.]

The type of focus I am talking about has really nothing to do with that verse, but it's a good thought. :] [Insert fun family memory there.   Check.]

How often do I live a day thinking about myself? What I can accomplish, what mistakes I made, what messes I need to clean up, what relationships I need to fix, what meetings I need to attend, what wrongs I have done... and so on.

Lately I have found myself overcome by fear and worry. Why? Well, I think part of it is the phase of life I'm in, alot of things are changing. And  because I am focusing so much on ME.

But, why am I focusing on myself? Why am I depending upon myself? Why am I staring at my failures and faults? Why am I living as though God has made a mistake in planning my life? Do I really need to take ahold of my life and worry and plan and fix things because God isn't taking care of things?

I have lost focus. When I focus on ME, everything seems really scary. When I focus on my strength, everything seems impossible. When I allow my sin to slap me in the face, It begins to reign.

But, when I focus on Him. God's love, mercy, justice, grace and perfection, everything seems to be okay. Why do I worry? Why am I fearful? Because I am thinking about ME. [UGH. So self-centered.]

 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ...... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [[Matthew 6]]

And for the days you can't stop worrying: 

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober casting all your spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.  [1 Peter 5]

And: "Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." [Colossians 3]

Off I go to open my planner and get my day moving. Here's for trying to stay focused and trying to be a little less self oriented. Happy Monday... and stop worrying! [In case you didn't catch it the first time... it doesn't add a single hour to your life! annnnnd you're not in control anyway :] ] 

I'm Sorry.

This week I have been tossing around the idea of forgiveness in my mind.
Forgiveness is interesting because it is so different in various situations. I was wondering what the 'better end of the deal is.' Is it better to be the one needing to get forgiveness, or the one asking for it?

I do not think there is a better side; when forgiveness is necessary, somebody was hurt.

With starting my job, I have learned alot about forgiveness among children. There is much 'saying sorry' and 'accepting an apology' going on. The funny part is, it is CONSTANTLY happening. The girls forgive each other and MOVE ON with the day. They genuinely forgive... they just go back to playing as if nothing ever happened. (I think in that is a major life lesson)

How often do we honestly 'accept an apology'? How many grudges do we hang on to? How much hurt do we allow to scar our hearts and lives? How much unnecessary baggage do we hang on to that’s haunting us?

Bottom line: We are ALL human, we will all make mistakes and we will all hurt somebody, somewhere, sometime. 

I know I have hurt people, deeply and I know I have been hurt; we all have been on both sides of this equation.

I think repentance within forgiveness is an aspect that is easily forgotten. We train kids to say sorry, but not that weaved in and out of forgiveness is the need to repent.  Through Christ, I have the freedom to live in grace and forgiveness…. But when hearing that I think…. really? I see a pattern of wrongs in my life; I'm not so sure I am truly repenting when I ask for forgiveness. Why? Well, because asking for forgiveness is much easier then repenting for my wrongs. So, then can I truly forgive and ask to be forgiven??

I've been convicted of needing to give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness. This search for forgiveness in love, grace and mercy creates a freedom that only the Lord can give and that my friend is a very happy ending!

Reaching a place of true repentance means you've reached a place where you can truly forgive. 

While mistakes happen, to everybody, I need to cling to the perfect forgiveness that Christ can give to such an imperfect and wretched person, like myself. 

I also think it is imperative for life, to grant forgiveness to yourself. This may be the most difficult aspect of forgiveness for me. We do not need to hang on to the guilt, remorse, regret and baggage in our lives. That will destroy us and rob us of truly living life. 

Yes, I may have made really terrible mistakes.

And yes, I will reap the consequences for my mistakes.

My personal value is not in the mistakes I have made, but how I respond when mistakes happen. 

My value comes from what someone else did, someone much more powerful then me. He is my worth. In him is my value.

It is my job to do my best to refrain from sinning. But then, responding in repentance to others and myself when mistakes happen.

Living in a lifestyle of forgiveness creates a truly significant, fulfilling and beautiful life.

I don't Think God Cares If I'm Happy.

Things bother me. A lot of things bother me. I think whistling is annoying. I don’t like blue, brown and black together. Slow drivers, crappy bubble gum, wrinkled shirts, long instrumental breaks, weak coffee… and the list can go on.  I get annoyed FAR to easily.

I am not a very patient person and unfortunately my face blatantly displays my emotions for the world to see, no matter how hard I try to hide my feelings.

This past semester I was very overwhelmed, and there were so many moments that I just wanted to jump in my car and drive away. I can fit everything I own in my car… so why not? But, with the help of friends and family I made it through my distressing semester.

And now here I am, home sweet home. I thought when I arrived here I would be so re energized and ready to go! And to an extent, I am. I always feel a 100 times better crossing that Michigan border. (who doesn’t?!)

But, moving home I have been reintroduced to all sorts of new circumstances.

One night last week, I just really felt as if I had reached the end of my rope, I was spent, done, drained in so many different ways. And my dad and I got into a long discussion about circumstances….

Have you asked yourself these questions?

• Why am I in this situation? 
• Why did God allow this to happen? 
• What am I supposed to do now? 
• Why isn’t God making me feel better? 
• How come things can’t just change?
• Why can’t I just feel better? 
• I’m trying REALLY hard…so why isn’t God making this any easier?

Sometimes in my prayers I just look up and say “WHY?!?’ I think God just laughs at me… “Oh, Haley, my little over dramatic daughter.”

But seriously, what am I supposed to do when things are not getting any better?

I’m not saying I have the answers, or that I am right, or that this is even scriptural… this is just me, trying to figure ‘things’ out.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t think God cares about our circumstances. I think God loves us and I think he loves us enough to put us in crappy circumstances. I really don’t think he is concerned with making us happy…I think he is much more concerned with how we respond to our circumstances.

This is much easier said then done.

But think about Job, Samson, David, Paul, Jesus…. They all had some pretty bad circumstances to live through and God didn’t magically make them feel better, or give them a new car to ‘cheer them up.’ These Godly men had to DEAL.

Is that what I’m supposed to do?

I guess, when life gives you some down right terrible circumstances, God is not concerned with making you ‘feel better’. God is concerned with your character and how you will deal with it.

This semester I had some pretty gloomy circumstances surrounding me and how did I respond? I wish someone would have said, “Haley, this is a time to test your character. This is a time to test who you are in Christ.” I think if I had thought about it that way, I would have dealt with things so differently.

While mistakes happen and I think they are necessary for growth, if I would have thought of my circumstances as a way to grow and test my character, I may have made some less dumb choices this semester.

People often said the definition of character is how one responds when no one is around. I think character is the way one responds when life is not going their way. Character is how someone chooses to deal with his or her issues in circumstances.

I think James 1 when Paul says “Consider it joy my brothers, when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” So, should I be joyful?

I’m not sure. Because I’m still hurt, I’m still healing; I’m still trying to deal with so many different circumstances…

But maybe instead of waiting for God to ‘make me feel better’ or ‘change my circumstances’ I need to deal with my problems and be joyful in my circumstances.

This is a time for me to question my character; this is a time for me to develop my character…. And I truly believe that’s what God cares about.

As Christians, I think it is easy to compare us to each other. I was recently confiding in a friend and they compared me to other people we know, trying to prove a point… but at the end of that conversation I couldn’t help but think, but it doesn’t matter what other Christians chose to do…

Isn’t Jesus Christ the one I should be comparing myself too? What did Jesus do with his circumstance? He prayed in the garden, and then did what God needed him to do. He lived and died through his circumstances.

Now, of course, it’s Jesus…He’s ‘perfect.’ But isn’t that what I should be striving after?

All I know is, God is not going to magically change my life into a perfect storybook. If we were all honest, everyone’s life is a mess. LIFE IS MESSY. I think the only way to truly live life, is to get involved… and that will leave you dirty, scared, jaded, disappointed, sad and many other things…

But isn’t it better to live with grass stains, scraps and dirt under your finger nails, than to be to far back you never even graze the top of the grass?

I think so.