This is for all my fellow women who are thrilled to be graduating but also a little scared to death.

It's been a long time. My life has been a whirlwind of craziness, but I am happy to report- good, fun, craziness! I went to Florida a couple weeks ago and visited my grandma, who is awesome. The entire trip was sincerely needed- I was so happy to get out of Lynchburg for a while. This weekend Katie is visiting and then next Justin and I are headed to Michigan. After that my old froomie, Nicolette is visiting and then a few short weeks later, my birthday. After that, the semester ends, graduation, wedding in Michigan and hopefully back to Lynchburg for another year with all sorts of new events! So, that's my update.

Here's my post: 

I am 22. A young, entrepreneur minded, spirited, emotional, highly opinionated and incessant planner. I  do not believe I am one of a kind and that's why I am writing this post. This is for all my fellow women who are thrilled to be graduating but also a little scared to death. I came to the conclusion that I am fearful of graduation because after that is when I really start to take responsibility for my own life. Yes, I am a hard worker and I have made some pretty decent decisions in my little 22 years. But all the decisions I am choosing after gradation- are my choices, I will be held responsible for them. I made the biggest decision of my life  after high school, I chose to go to Liberty University. This was a choice that made all decisions for me for the next four years. Now, I have no decision that will hold me captivate for four years.

Today I was reflecting on freshman year. Moving in the dorms along with 60 other girls, just about four years later and we are all on different paths. Some are married, some have children, some are still single. Others have mourned the loss of a loved one. A few are still here at Liberty and others are lost in the world trying to find the next step. Some girls suffered from sickness while others remain spiritually lost. No two stories are the same. No two girls share the same life. This got me thinking, many things can happen in four years.

As a woman I tend to get lost in the details. I over complicate things. I analyze and over analyze again. I read between the lines creating issues that do not even exist. I can be dramatic and blow situations out of proportion. And all these problems seem to double when I am job and house hunting. These qualities seem to ooze out of me as a consequence of the stress when searching for life post-graduation. Remember the whole control freak thing? This does not help during the entire planning post grad process. And sometimes I think I am the only one, does anyone else feel this way? I know they have to, but you all hide it very well!

 I've really been challenged lately, to trust something will be provided. Looking back at my life now, I made the hard decision of moving 13 hours away from home. While I was scared and cried every day for a long time the Lord faithfully provided me. He provided me with so much more than I ever needed and He will provide again. Waiting is difficult because I want him to provide for me how I want and right now. But often He will provide how He wants and in His time. So, that might mean I won't get the highest paying job or  have the most beautiful hardwood floor and spacious kitchen apartment. That might mean I will get not married in my perfect timing or I move closer to my family. It could mean I will be single for 40 years and move even further away from my family! But I can honestly say, the things in my life God took away- I know were for a purpose and even when it hurts or I'm confused or frustrated and think it is not how my life should go- He knows what my life should look like and He will provide. I have been reading through the book of  Daniel and I can see how God provides throughout the book. He took care of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. He took care of Daniel. He (eventually) provided for King Nebuchadanezzer to be rescued. Before the King is restored he said,

"...and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation or generation; all the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him, "What have you done?" ....for all His works are right and his ways are just and those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

I know he will take care of me. It just may not look like how I envisioned.

In the Bible Study I go to we are reading a book by Nancy Demoss. And in this book she asked questions to inspire self reflection, I have listed a couple that really got me thinking:

1. Am I purposeful and intentional in my use of time seeking to invest the moments of my days in ways that I will bring glory to God? 
2. Do I habitually verbalize the goodness and greatness of God? 
3. Do I speak works that are critical, unkind, untrue, self-centered, rude, profane or unnecessary? 
4. Am I content with the material resources God has given me? (This was big one for me)
5. Am I disciplining my mind to get to know God and his word better?

As I tend to get caught up in everything with planning and stressing, I often forget to remember how much the Lord has provided for me. When something seems to not work out- I go into panic mode. I am really working at training my mind and heart to have a thankful spirit. [I'm pretty sure that will be a life-long training] No matter what happens, I know the Lord is in control. And just because I don't have the 'next step' figured out yet- doesn't mean God doesn't. Again, like every other post, I am working on enjoying. Enjoying the time of the unknown. Enjoying and getting excited to see how the Lord will provide for me next. Enjoying the last months of my life now, because in May- it will all change. 

So, that's where I am right now. I hope wherever you are in life, you are enjoying. I hope you are not too lost in the unknown and not getting to upset about broken plans. You will be taken care of. You will be provided for. Here are some verses that have guided me through this process:

Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord. - Ps. 27:14

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth visible and invisible, where thrones of dominions or rulers and authorities- all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things and in him all things hold together. - Col. 1:16-17

Blah, Blah, Blah.. South and North

As everything is finishing up for the semester, I have found myself reflecting on the idea of finishing. This is my fourth Christmas here, in Lynchburg Virginia. I assumed moving down here in 2008 this would be my last one, actually I thought I would have been out of here by now [that's for sure], but here I am, still here.

Many of my college friends and colleagues graduated this semester. Those friends who suffered through COMS 489, created campaigns with me, brainstormed and bounced ideas of each other, compared and contrasted each other projects, many of them are now gone. I'm happy for them, like I am happy for myself.. finishing up college with an Undergraduate degree, not only feels great, but is a wonderful accomplishment!! [Yay us! And everyone else with degrees!]  I'm proud of myself and so proud of my fellow classmates! [Who I hope to run into often in the PR world].

The point of all this rambling...[I think] is things end. Seasons fade. Time transitions. Life is different. It is so weird to think, although I have been here for four Christmas breaks, each one of them has looked different, felt different and has been an entirely different experience. It's just strange to me. And the even stranger thing is that time will only continue to make life more different. Life will begin to look, feel, and be entirely different.

I think part of it might be 'growing up' and part of it might be I am maturing [a little] and part of it might be I gain more and more responsibility each year...but I know part of it, well, a lot of it is change. That is the one guarantee in life isn't it? Change. I think I am only getting used to it though, because I know it happens so frequently- I need to enjoy the moment and time I have, because it will change. So, for me this means, I need to hurry up and enjoy. Sometimes, I don't enjoy enough! I analyze, think, reflect, re-analyze, double check, over-analyze, question, wonder, ponder, think some more, and then before I know it I missed out on enjoying! I was far too busy wondering about the what if's and details that I forgot to enjoy the moment! [Seriously, this happens.]

 Blah, blah, blah... All I'm trying to say is- Enjoy this season.

I am writing this post mostly for myself,  because here I sit, in Virginia, in 60 degree weather, so mad I don't have snow. But how many Michigan winters did I wine and complain about the snow? Instead of spending my time complaining, I should have ran outside and made a freaking huge snow man while loving every second of it.That's just one example. Here's another one:

For the past three years, I complained about the South and small towns and how much I hated them. [Please take note of this: I still LOVE the North and fully intend on moving back. I am not a southerner or southern bell in anyway, shape, or form. I am NOT a Northern girl turning Southern. Got it?] But, the other day I was running super low on gas [college student] and I could only muster about $2.00 in change to put in my gas tank. [college student...you've all been there]. I went to pre-pay for my little bit of gas to get myself home and eat my Ramon noodles [college student] and there was line... of course I stood there with my hands on my hips, semi-rolling my eyes, clearly irritated that this was taking forever. [In the north people are so much more efficient.. I was thinking in my mind] When it was finally my turn to pay I gave the cashier my $2.00 in change.

"Is this all you got to put in your tank? Are you outta money?" He asked in a very thick and southern accent. Clearly embarrassed that he would announce to the entire store/world I was only buying $2.00 of gas I answered, "Yep, I'm a college student. I just have to drive to my house." Without any hesitation he told me he would add a $1.00 to my gas tank to make sure I would get home.

I know, a dollar isn't much, [college student] but the cashier didn't have to do that. I was pleasantly surprised and thanked him. He seriously made my day.

I think once I move away, I'll miss little things like that from good ole Lynchburg, VA. I'll miss people chatting in the middle of the grocery isle blocking the way for everyone else. I'll miss people asking me how I'm doing and then telling my about their sick niece while we are waiting in line. I'll miss people chatting in the drive through holding up the line making me late for wherever I am going. I will miss seeing people in old pick up trucks without shirts on, wearing overalls, with massive beards smoking a ginormous cigar... wait. I don't think I'll miss that one.

So, again, blah, blah, blah, all this too say here's to me- Enjoying. Enjoying this Christmas season, without snow, with snow, in the North, in the South, with gas, without gas.. no matter what it may bring, I will enjoy. 

Enjoy this Christmas season, enjoy this phase of life you are in. No matter what age, hardship you are in, frustration you are facing, or happiness that has knocked on your door- Enjoy. Because, most likely next years Christmas will look entirely different.

Discombobulated.

This week has been a strange one. Nothing really crazy out of the ordinary has happened, but it has seemed a little discombobulated. Do you ever feel like you are sitting still while everyone and everything is flying around you? Almost like you are in the eye of a hurricane, just sitting still while life whirls around ... I've felt like that this week. It has seemed like everyone is going and learning and changing and making decisions and having things happen. And I'm just watching.

If I could give my 'college years' underlining themes they would be: 

1. Even in your biggest life crisis... life will continue on, whether you want it too or not.
2. My plans are not the best and sometimes having no plans is best.

 The first three years of college, I was a go, go, girl! ( I still am to an extent) But, this semester has been SO different than any year of my life here. I work a 9-5ish job and have weeknights off. I am only taking 12 credits and next semester only 6! Now, for those of you who don't know, last year I worked full time at basically nights shift (7pm-2am) and took 22 credits, while being involved in extra things. So, this semester has sort of turned my life upside down. I love being busy, I love working; I love being dedicated to something. But, something that really sticks out in my mind when I look back to my busyness and accomplishments, something that I can't get over...back when I 'felt good' because I was doing so much, I had such a lack of focus on my spiritual aspect and my relationship with Jesus Christ.

For the years in my life when I thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was accomplishing goals, I was good at something, I could pass my classes with barely studying, I received a promotion at work, I had a boyfriend, I bought a car, I moved into my first apartment... I thought I was just living the life.

I cannot get over my self-focus through all those years. 

So, back to my themes.... 

I'm only 22. What sort of crisis can a 22-year-old girl be in, right? Well, I would argue a pretty big one. Through my two short years in the '20's' I've seen myself grow the most, lose the most, immature the most, become the most defeated, mature the most, and have the most victories. I can so happily say now, I am blessed enough, to overcome a more recent trial in my life. But, I think I am all too quick to forget the growth and learning that comes with brokenness. In my crisis I thought life would stop, I was certain my life would and time felt as if it stood still... but now, here I am, months and months later, moving forward, moving on. 

I can only attest to where I am now through the grace of my Lord. As time moved on, so did I. And as time moved on, God grasped hold of my heart... He had my full attention. Wherever you are in life, remember life goes on, life will keep moving, we can't stop it! God hasn't and won't give up on you. I hope that comforts you and inspires you to get a move as well. 

Next, my plans are not the best plans. They are not. Really, they are not! Since July I have been trying to plan for what will happen in May. [You can laugh at that, I know it is ridiculous] But, you know what, I have recently become okay with not knowing. Today I applied for Grad School at Liberty and I'm prayerfully considering many other options over the next few months. But, bottom line- I do not know what is going to happen, I have no idea, so what good is worrying about it?! Seriously, what good is that? It's not. I'm doing my utmost best, to wake up, and actively give God my day, because I know that is all I have. Why do I worry about my next rent bill? Or if my car breaks down? Or when I will get married? I've found enjoy every day, every moment, serve the Lord and he will bring you the next 'thing.' I did a good job of this last week, but this week I have been slowly taking each day back.. I recently became overwhelmed with decisions and choices and the next thing, I realized these thoughts are not for me to worry about. Serving Christ in the moment he has given us, in the situation where he put us in, matters. Someone said, I don't remember who, but, if we are faithful to God in the little things, he can trust us with the bigger things. So, while I am craving something new, something different, a new chapter, a job with more esteem, I need to remain faithful now to build habits for faithfulness later. And not having a plan causes me have faith God will provide the next thing. 

I've been saying the past couple of weeks, I feel like I am actually becoming a woman! :] I’ve started cooking more, cleaning more, and enjoying baking! But, with growth comes growing pains, and dealing with my immaturity and habitually sin filled lifestyle hurts. But understanding value in brokenness, I think is a sign of a woman. 

And I've noticed, I cry alot more. So, Fergie, you are so not right.. Big girls do cry. 

I hope some of this rambling encourages other twenty-something women out there, you don't have to have it all together, you don't have to have a plan, remain faithful now, serve the Lord now, and the next thing will fall into place. 

P.S. -- I recommend this book for all twenty something women...  'The Mature Woman.'  

Happy Almost Friday!