Before I lose Focus... AGAIN.

So, I figured something out about myself this weekend. Shocker right? When will I know everything and never make mistakes again? When people?! :] 

I cannot stay focused.

I'm not talking about ADD or ADHD [Are those the same?]. I'm talking about real focus. I know I wrote about this before, but here I am wrestling with the same thing again, self-centeredness. [Is that a word?]

My family had a family verse growing up [Pastor's kids] it was something like, "Do not be focused on your own interests, but be focused on the interests of others." I remember once this summer I tried to quote it and totally messed it up I said something like, "Only look upon your own interest not the interest of others." ....and I WISH that's what the verse said!! You would think after 22 years of one family verse, I would remember it. [I guess that's a parenting lesson in itself.]

The type of focus I am talking about has really nothing to do with that verse, but it's a good thought. :] [Insert fun family memory there.   Check.]

How often do I live a day thinking about myself? What I can accomplish, what mistakes I made, what messes I need to clean up, what relationships I need to fix, what meetings I need to attend, what wrongs I have done... and so on.

Lately I have found myself overcome by fear and worry. Why? Well, I think part of it is the phase of life I'm in, alot of things are changing. And  because I am focusing so much on ME.

But, why am I focusing on myself? Why am I depending upon myself? Why am I staring at my failures and faults? Why am I living as though God has made a mistake in planning my life? Do I really need to take ahold of my life and worry and plan and fix things because God isn't taking care of things?

I have lost focus. When I focus on ME, everything seems really scary. When I focus on my strength, everything seems impossible. When I allow my sin to slap me in the face, It begins to reign.

But, when I focus on Him. God's love, mercy, justice, grace and perfection, everything seems to be okay. Why do I worry? Why am I fearful? Because I am thinking about ME. [UGH. So self-centered.]

 “For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ...... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [[Matthew 6]]

And for the days you can't stop worrying: 

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober casting all your spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.  [1 Peter 5]

And: "Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." [Colossians 3]

Off I go to open my planner and get my day moving. Here's for trying to stay focused and trying to be a little less self oriented. Happy Monday... and stop worrying! [In case you didn't catch it the first time... it doesn't add a single hour to your life! annnnnd you're not in control anyway :] ] 

Who should tell me I'm a Christian?

This summer I have really been struggling with the idea of Christianity. Yes, I am a 'Christian' but No, I don't want to be associated with most Churches, and Christian movements across the United States.

My mind has been filling up with so many questions towards 'Christian People' the past summer, I'm surprised my head has not exploded. Being highly involved in Christians circles for most of my little 21 years of existence, I have made a few observations. One is:

 Christianity is turning into a mere 'checklist' today. 
It's like this:

1. Did I pray and ask Jesus to come into my life? Yes. (CHECK!)
2. Do I pray before I eat? Yes. (Check)
3. Do I read my Bible? Yes. (Check)
4. Do I have the physical appearance that is required of a Christian? Yes. (CHECK)
5. Do I go to youth group and sing in the praise band? Yes. (CHECK!)
6. Have I gone on a short term mission trip? Yes. (CHECK)
7. Am I going to a Christian College? Yes. (CHECK)
8. Will I be involved in some sort of Christan leadership? Yes. (Check)
9. I'm SO going to be in heaven. (Check)

When will this list stop? And do those things truly make someone a 'Christian'?

I would like to think that God is so much more concerned with our lifestyle, and hearts. What our motives are, and what type of character we have. Instead of getting caught up in this idea of following the Christian 'checklist' that has been created by Christians- why don't we take the time to focus on our lifestyles? 

When looking at Christians I feel like so many people claim the name simply because its what they always have done, its what their parents did, and most of the time- its easy. And sure, when following a checklist, and having everyone around you pleased with the choices you are making- that's easy.

Stop. Right there. Get a stamp and place it on my forehead because 

I' M G U I L T Y . 

The other night I was sharing my thoughts with my dad. I was venting and going on and on about my frustration with Christians and the church, and how we always have to be so polite, and not cause conflict or make people uncomfortable. And the more we started talking, and the deeper the conversation became, I realized:

 I'm living in Fear of other people. 

 I grew up in a church, in a Christian Highschool, and now attend a Christian University, all of those institutions attract people caught up in the 'checklist'. Stepping back and reevaluating when i matured the most in my relationship with the Lord was when I could care less about what people thought about me. 

See? The checklist makes other's people opinions and thoughts about you determine where you are in your relationship with the Lord. When in fact, the Lord is the only one who knows your heart, and character.

My dad said this-- "You live out of fear of God, not fear of men."

I would argue there is no cookie cutter way to be a Christian. Of course, understanding and believing the Gospel is essential for anyone truly having a relationship with Christ. After that, its about the lifestyle in which a person lives. As Christians we have a 'law' to follow, and we have convictions we live by.
My Dad put it like this [he's better with these types of phrases]

'It's not my responsibly to obey God with what he said, its my responsibly to please God with my obedience..'

He also further explained the idea that, we will want to follow the commands and standards God has for us, but after you grow, you will want to go beyond merely following the law to please the Lord's heart. 

Instead of having a check list, instead of comparing ourselves to other Christians, instead of having our basses covered by not committing the 'big sins'- Live for one person. At the end of the day, when everyone is asleep, and i finally get into my car, roll my windows down, and listen to some over played pop song, I have started to ask myself this question:

What did I do today that attributed to the life of God?

That one question, asked every day, will evoke a lifestyle change and maintain the focus on the only person's opinion who matters. 

Goodness, glad I finally got all that off my chest. 

Happy Wednesday! :]