Discombobulated.

This week has been a strange one. Nothing really crazy out of the ordinary has happened, but it has seemed a little discombobulated. Do you ever feel like you are sitting still while everyone and everything is flying around you? Almost like you are in the eye of a hurricane, just sitting still while life whirls around ... I've felt like that this week. It has seemed like everyone is going and learning and changing and making decisions and having things happen. And I'm just watching.

If I could give my 'college years' underlining themes they would be: 

1. Even in your biggest life crisis... life will continue on, whether you want it too or not.
2. My plans are not the best and sometimes having no plans is best.

 The first three years of college, I was a go, go, girl! ( I still am to an extent) But, this semester has been SO different than any year of my life here. I work a 9-5ish job and have weeknights off. I am only taking 12 credits and next semester only 6! Now, for those of you who don't know, last year I worked full time at basically nights shift (7pm-2am) and took 22 credits, while being involved in extra things. So, this semester has sort of turned my life upside down. I love being busy, I love working; I love being dedicated to something. But, something that really sticks out in my mind when I look back to my busyness and accomplishments, something that I can't get over...back when I 'felt good' because I was doing so much, I had such a lack of focus on my spiritual aspect and my relationship with Jesus Christ.

For the years in my life when I thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was accomplishing goals, I was good at something, I could pass my classes with barely studying, I received a promotion at work, I had a boyfriend, I bought a car, I moved into my first apartment... I thought I was just living the life.

I cannot get over my self-focus through all those years. 

So, back to my themes.... 

I'm only 22. What sort of crisis can a 22-year-old girl be in, right? Well, I would argue a pretty big one. Through my two short years in the '20's' I've seen myself grow the most, lose the most, immature the most, become the most defeated, mature the most, and have the most victories. I can so happily say now, I am blessed enough, to overcome a more recent trial in my life. But, I think I am all too quick to forget the growth and learning that comes with brokenness. In my crisis I thought life would stop, I was certain my life would and time felt as if it stood still... but now, here I am, months and months later, moving forward, moving on. 

I can only attest to where I am now through the grace of my Lord. As time moved on, so did I. And as time moved on, God grasped hold of my heart... He had my full attention. Wherever you are in life, remember life goes on, life will keep moving, we can't stop it! God hasn't and won't give up on you. I hope that comforts you and inspires you to get a move as well. 

Next, my plans are not the best plans. They are not. Really, they are not! Since July I have been trying to plan for what will happen in May. [You can laugh at that, I know it is ridiculous] But, you know what, I have recently become okay with not knowing. Today I applied for Grad School at Liberty and I'm prayerfully considering many other options over the next few months. But, bottom line- I do not know what is going to happen, I have no idea, so what good is worrying about it?! Seriously, what good is that? It's not. I'm doing my utmost best, to wake up, and actively give God my day, because I know that is all I have. Why do I worry about my next rent bill? Or if my car breaks down? Or when I will get married? I've found enjoy every day, every moment, serve the Lord and he will bring you the next 'thing.' I did a good job of this last week, but this week I have been slowly taking each day back.. I recently became overwhelmed with decisions and choices and the next thing, I realized these thoughts are not for me to worry about. Serving Christ in the moment he has given us, in the situation where he put us in, matters. Someone said, I don't remember who, but, if we are faithful to God in the little things, he can trust us with the bigger things. So, while I am craving something new, something different, a new chapter, a job with more esteem, I need to remain faithful now to build habits for faithfulness later. And not having a plan causes me have faith God will provide the next thing. 

I've been saying the past couple of weeks, I feel like I am actually becoming a woman! :] I’ve started cooking more, cleaning more, and enjoying baking! But, with growth comes growing pains, and dealing with my immaturity and habitually sin filled lifestyle hurts. But understanding value in brokenness, I think is a sign of a woman. 

And I've noticed, I cry alot more. So, Fergie, you are so not right.. Big girls do cry. 

I hope some of this rambling encourages other twenty-something women out there, you don't have to have it all together, you don't have to have a plan, remain faithful now, serve the Lord now, and the next thing will fall into place. 

P.S. -- I recommend this book for all twenty something women...  'The Mature Woman.'  

Happy Almost Friday!

I'm Sorry.

This week I have been tossing around the idea of forgiveness in my mind.
Forgiveness is interesting because it is so different in various situations. I was wondering what the 'better end of the deal is.' Is it better to be the one needing to get forgiveness, or the one asking for it?

I do not think there is a better side; when forgiveness is necessary, somebody was hurt.

With starting my job, I have learned alot about forgiveness among children. There is much 'saying sorry' and 'accepting an apology' going on. The funny part is, it is CONSTANTLY happening. The girls forgive each other and MOVE ON with the day. They genuinely forgive... they just go back to playing as if nothing ever happened. (I think in that is a major life lesson)

How often do we honestly 'accept an apology'? How many grudges do we hang on to? How much hurt do we allow to scar our hearts and lives? How much unnecessary baggage do we hang on to that’s haunting us?

Bottom line: We are ALL human, we will all make mistakes and we will all hurt somebody, somewhere, sometime. 

I know I have hurt people, deeply and I know I have been hurt; we all have been on both sides of this equation.

I think repentance within forgiveness is an aspect that is easily forgotten. We train kids to say sorry, but not that weaved in and out of forgiveness is the need to repent.  Through Christ, I have the freedom to live in grace and forgiveness…. But when hearing that I think…. really? I see a pattern of wrongs in my life; I'm not so sure I am truly repenting when I ask for forgiveness. Why? Well, because asking for forgiveness is much easier then repenting for my wrongs. So, then can I truly forgive and ask to be forgiven??

I've been convicted of needing to give forgiveness and ask for forgiveness. This search for forgiveness in love, grace and mercy creates a freedom that only the Lord can give and that my friend is a very happy ending!

Reaching a place of true repentance means you've reached a place where you can truly forgive. 

While mistakes happen, to everybody, I need to cling to the perfect forgiveness that Christ can give to such an imperfect and wretched person, like myself. 

I also think it is imperative for life, to grant forgiveness to yourself. This may be the most difficult aspect of forgiveness for me. We do not need to hang on to the guilt, remorse, regret and baggage in our lives. That will destroy us and rob us of truly living life. 

Yes, I may have made really terrible mistakes.

And yes, I will reap the consequences for my mistakes.

My personal value is not in the mistakes I have made, but how I respond when mistakes happen. 

My value comes from what someone else did, someone much more powerful then me. He is my worth. In him is my value.

It is my job to do my best to refrain from sinning. But then, responding in repentance to others and myself when mistakes happen.

Living in a lifestyle of forgiveness creates a truly significant, fulfilling and beautiful life.