Saturday, July 10, 2010

i found this.

I remember writing this journal entry... the beginning of last summer. I came across it in my facebook notes- I published it June 20th 2009. Now I'm 21, and I have applied this lesson learned.

...and don't worry- I can work a can opener! Now, i just need to master the blender...

"..... It amazes me, how people can float through your life. Not really float, that makes it sound pleasant.. well yes, there are pleasant floaters of course… people who pleasantly come in and smile at you- the kind of person that you would go on a picnic with and laugh all day long. But, you never really connect with them, you never really try to influence each other. You just simply have fun… and when they are gone, its not a big deal. Because together you had so much simple, on the surface fun, or fluffy fun, not depth to your relationship whatsoever. . But, then there are the not floaters, in fact the opposite of floaters… I don’t even know what to label them. The…the… oak trees. Sounds silly yes. But they are planted in your life then, they grow.. it starts small… but they you make a connection, and you begin to grow higher and higher… then you start to sprout leaves, and then make memories like details along the bark. And tell secrets the size of acorns too each other. You become a place of safety to other people, and you just grow deeper and deeper in different friendships like the roots in the ground. Then eventually you are grounded in this idea of love. Depending on the amount of storms you go through together, you grow deeper and greener. Then you reach a point of security, an you become incredibly comfortable around each other. You can hang out with each other in the shade, and sit on each others grown out roots and tell stories and laugh together as the wind flies through your hair. Then one day, the whole gigantic oak tree, that has come and rooted itself in your life, the one you have made home, and grown to love… is ripped out. There you look. It’s gone. The big gigantic stationary object in your life has been removed. No more home to look at, no more shade to play in, no more secrets to share, or friendship to grow. All that is left is a big giant hole in the ground where your love once grew. A big giant hole. You try to fill it in, with pretty flowers, or things you like to look at. Or fill it in with more pleasant trees, like the dogwood. Dogwoods are pretty to look at, but you soon find out very thin a weak. There are no stories inside a dogwood, and no stories to tell about them. They are pretty, but one can look right through them. So there it is a big hole in the ground to remind you that something is missing. Something big is gone. This is the part where I am supposed to talk about how it will make you stronger. How having a hole in your life to fill in can be fun, you will find new things, and better trees to hang out and grow up with! There is so much more out there for you to discover—and now you can! No roots holding you down! No more love to fulfill. But, after a while of that tree being gone, you finally realize that there is nothing that will replace that big of a hole in your earth… you get scared. And you wonder. Will this hurt forever? Will I be without my giant oak tree forever? Yeah, sure maybe I will find one… but will the love ever run that deep? Will the roots of my life that were ripped from my heart ever heal? I have this big giant hole in my life and it seems like it will never be filled. The memories will never be able to be shared with someone else, and home… when I looked at the oak tree, I found home. I saw home, I was home. Will I find home again? The bark we had, was full of stories, was full of memories, and the acorns of secrets among us were beyond listing.

All I have now, is a big giant hole in my world. That feels like it will never be filled. And really, I truly believe apart of it won’t… deep down there will be a small acorn of secrets and a small piece of bark full of memories. Always...."

Being home has been a little on the funny//weird side for me. Thinking over the past year, just one year of my life- how many different people i have been in contact with. && its so strange, every person who has been in and out of my life- could be labeled- some are floaters, some are oak trees, some are dogwoods, and I'm sure that someone really smart out there has done a study, and maybe has more legit names for it. lol. But, really- sooo many people have come in and out of my life. and I know, that God has done that for a reason. Like, every person is walking on there map, and sometimes it intersects with others- and then later on in the map, the 2 lines will cross again, could be simply finding each other again on facebook, or having your kids in the same soccer league.... I hadn't journaled in forever, so i tired to pick it up again, i wrote this a looong time ago, and stumbled across it- and it reminded me of what I am experiencing right now.... but the most important thing now i am learning is, there are more oak trees out there- yes, different. and yes, you won't be able to share the same memories, but- there are more memories to make! There are more funny times to laugh at. there are more inside jokes to remember, and there is more. Life doesn't just stop- the world doesn't stop turning. your world just becomes different, and learning to find people to grow with, is the most important lesson i think i have learned this year. My life is SO drastically different then it was a year ago. But, different doesn't mean you give up, giving up old oak trees does;t mean you don't find new ones... Your world is just different, and you are growing up. Therefore, your world will change, and change should happen while you grow.

Growing up is so weird. ha. im 20, and i still can't work a freakin' can opener. :]. I still answer people that i am 18 when they ask! haha...

1 comment:

  1. oh a blender still confuses me i wouldnt worry lol xxxx